Miss Petra V's Problem Page

Miss Petra V Is a trained counsellor with many years of experience in counselling, advice, guidance, mental health and support. In addition she's lead a life you could write a book on! Miss Petra offers empathetic, honest and practical advice. No matter what your problem is Petra has the answers and if she doesn't she will point you in the right direction...

My only gay friend tried to have sex with me?

I'm gay and he is gay. I am really upset a lot at the moment because my family is sort of imploding over me being gay. My dad hates it, my mum is ok (sort of), my little brother’s say I am an embarrassment.  My older brother says he feels he needs to defend me. I have only one gay friend who I tell EVERYTHING to. Yesterday he kissed me and I kissed him back, I suppose I don’t know why but then he pinned me down and I told him that was enough! He then told me to make up my mind! I was confused and asked, ‘About what?’ and he said ‘Everything’. I am  so confused, I feel like I should kill myself and I wish I never came out, then at least my family and friends could have mourned the person they loved.
Please tell me it gets better eventually as I can’t take this anymore

Response:

I would like to say that things will get a lot better for you. Regarding your family, I understand this is a terrible time for you. Your family may take a long time to get used to this or as in some cases they may not. At this moment they do not understand and its seems they have not been faced with this within the family before. This bad reaction is how they are choosing to deal with it for now. Your family do not understand so they are hurt, confused with mixed emotions and will worry about societies opinions, they may believe that they are thinking about you. On the plus side it is really positive that your Mum is somewhat ok with the fact you are gay as there is much hope that she will gradually be fine with it, in time she may also be able to soften this issue with your dad. It is great your brother feels he needs to defend you as he loves you.
Your friend who is gay is wrong in his whole approach, I am very concerned with the fact that he has held you down against your will, kissed you and then told you to make up your mind. This was unacceptable and you should never expect that from anyone. He has not acted as a friend and he has placed unnecessary pressure on you to go along with what he would like you to do for his own needs and so I can see why you feel you have no one to turn to. I understand why you are confused especially as you had trusted him and I empathise with you as you already felt alone and more so since this incident has occurred. Being gay is not about sex just as being any other sexuality is not either. You need to get away from this person. I know for now you will feel alone but it is far better than having a so called friend like that. You will not be without friends forever but just for now.
It is very sad you feel to fatally harm yourself as I am sure you have many people including your family who truly love you but, at the moment they are fixated on the fact you are gay. I do not believe you, your family or anyone else would be better off with you gone. You have already stated your brother wants to defend you so you can rest assured that he loves you too. You have a long future ahead and yes at times it may be rough but you will get through it and with the right people around you your future will be good. I would like you to try and think about yourself right now and what you would like for your future. Things will change as there is always hope and who knows you may be able to help someone else with the same problem in the future.
You can search online to find nationwide Help-Lines and Gay Organisations in and around your area. They can provide you with support, advice and guidance and some provide days to meet with gay people in similar circumstances and with those who understand what you are going through.

Take courage and be strong

Miss Petra V

Am I Gay? Please help!

I had just turned teen and as I am a man I had never looked at men in this way before but then in year 7 I had a crush on a guy. I had a girlfriend for 7 years although throughout that time I never loved her. I don't really get boners when I see girls on the street and I have to watch lesbian porn because if I watch straight porn I look only at the men... I do watch gay porn (Dont judge) and get turned on but it could be purberty, I dont get boners by girls that much anymore either. My ex girlfriend who I spoke about before is now my best friend. I was thinking I could go out with her when I'm older and pretend I love her? I'm not a cold person like that though but, I would if I had to. I do find girls fit but can't get an erection with them. I'm still not not sure if Im Gay.

Response:

You said you had, 'just turned teen' so I am assuming you were 13-14 years old when you first had a crush on a boy. That is a confusing time for us all as we go through many emotions at that age. Hormonally, physically and mentally we are growing and it is a crucial time in our lives when we are truly beginning to mould ourselves in many ways so that did not mean you were gay.
With your past girlfriend of seven years, although it is unfortunate that you did not love her, there could be many other reasons for this within the relationship as well as your sexuality. You have to take into consideration that you are young and wont always make the best decisions for yourself yet.
I don't believe many men have 'boners' when they see women on the street, this is not abnormal and this also does not mean you are gay. I would not judge any person for watching Porn but bare in mind that it is not a necessity so, if you feel any discomfort in doing so then I would advise you not to persist in watching it. Some heterosexual men are turned on by watching men and women having sex and sometimes become more aroused by watching the man. Some people are turned on by same sex as visually it is appealing. There is a difference, as if you desire to have sex with only men and want to be in a relationship with solely a man then this could mean you are gay. Many Gay people find the opposite sex very attractive and can often see why anyone would want to be with that person but that gay person feels that the opposite sex is not for them at all. You have said, 'You don’t get boners by girls that much anymore' so you are saying you do on some occasions. You actually could be bi-sexual with a stronger preference to men or it may be that you haven’t seen as many women that you find attractive. I think you need to take the pressure off yourself by not pushing the issue of the title of being gay. You need to find out who you are inside and though this may take time it will be worthwhile. When we are young we are impressionable, our circumstances, situations, life experiences, social inclusions and exclusions as well as family, friends and societies views make up some participating factors in sculpting us. Labelling yourself is not the important part, knowing who you are is. I cannot tell you if you are gay as there are many factors, some of which you have already pointed out. I would advise you to be true to yourself and think about it without stressing yourself. Going out with your ex girlfriend who is now your best friend is not advisable as this would be emotionally harmful for you both. Let her have a future of her own love life and for you to pursue your own. You already have said you will, 'pretend to love her' and this shows you never will. You have to make sure you do not punish yourself for being confused or hurt your best friend in the process even though it is unintentional. The great thing about having a best friend is that you can have them as your friend and confidant forever and you can always be yourself with them. You will be able to find out who you are with her as your friend and as someone who understands you. You have a great future ahead of you and much to learn about yourself. Please take your time and most of all love yourself for who you are right now.

Miss Petra V
 
  

My friend is avoiding me since we talked about being Lesbians...

This school year I met a girl and we became very good friends. Around a month after we became friends I began to develop feelings for her but I didnt tell her. I liked her a lot but I soon realized she did not care for me as much as I cared for her. During a conversation we had she told me about a girl who used to be her friend, she found out she was a lesbian and so stopped talking to her. I I couldn't risk not being with her so I said nothing. Before Spring break a friend of mine (a guy) told me that she had said she was a lesbian. I spent all Spring break imagining things with her, how I was gonna tell her I liked her and how much I wanted us to go out etc.
Anyway, after Spring break we had a really good talk where she told me she might be a lesbian or bisexual but she didn't want to be that way because of her religion. I told her I was a lesbian and also that I used to like her. She was very shocked and told me very clearly that there was no chance in hell anything could happen between us.
After that conversation, we acted 'normal', pretending nothing had happened, but I felt the tension and awkwardness between us. We talked again because in her opinion I was being very weird and possessive (which is the true since I like her alot and I had high hopes for us when I found out she was a lesbian). The thing is, she's been avoiding me ever since the second talk and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid our friendship is coming to an end because I just don't know how to be around her anymore. I don't feel normal or comfortable, and I can tell she doesnt too. I now know I love her. The thing is that she's a *****, I mean Ive seen that she knows how to manipulate people and how to play with their feelings.
What do I do? Should I stop talking to her? I don't know!! Any suggestions please...!

Response:

Unfortunately at this present time this friendship does not seem to be on a good path after the first discussion with your friend disclosing to you whether she was either bi-sexual or a lesbian. From what you have said it seems she may have felt uncomfortable because you had told her you are a lesbian and you 'used' to like her. Your friend is clearly not comfortable with what is happening with her own feelings towards sexuality and possibly does not feel comfortable with you as a lesbian. Your friend had stated prior to discussions that she had fallen out with another friend when she found this friend was a lesbian. Your friend said she does not want to be a lesbian or bi-sexual due to her religious beliefs. I understand that because of your joy in being told by another friend that she was a lesbian you were more eager to tell her about yourself and hoped for something to come of it but, you may have subconsciously played down the fact that she had ended a previous friendship due to this. You have told her of your attraction for her and because of her own issues she doesn't want to be involved in this and not with someone who is her friend. This must be very frustrating for you both as you had to hide your true feelings for such a long time. When you finally felt it was ok she made you realise that it wasn’t ok for her. For your friend this is extremely hard as she thought you were heterosexual and now she knows you are not as well as the fact that you had feelings for her. It is possible that because of this she cannot see how she will be able to continue the friendship without this getting in the way. Outside of your control your emotions for her have progressed and this has manifested in your self confessed possessiveness and in your opinion 'weird' actions. As you say you tried to act 'normal' but possibly in you both trying so hard to do this the relationship was strained even more so and the normal act became abnormal and not true. You have called your friend a negative strong word and have said, 'she knows how to play with people’s feelings and how to manipulate them', I would not advise anyone to attach themselves to a person with these characteristics, this could prove to be damaging for you. However, if you choose to continue the friendship you will have to take control of your feelings and decide if you would prefer a friendship without any desire and attraction for her or to not have a friendship at all. If you have decided that you will put your feelings of attraction for her aside and the friendship will mean so much more than your intimate feelings, you and your friend need to have another talk, you will need to be totally honest with each other about everything to see if you can get past and overcome what has happened and to continue to grow together as friends.

I wish you all the best

Miss Petra V

If you would like advice on a problem (no matter how big or small) contact Miss Petra at : Misspetrav@yahoo.co.uk...

NEWS: Immigrant Steals British Mans Job at Knifepoint

The police have launched an extensive nationwide manhunt for the man they believe responsible for stealing a British man's job at knife point. A Scotland Yard spokesman said; "Kinfe crime is one thing but to steal a man's livelihood is beyond evil. We will not cease searching till we find the man responsible for this heinous crime."

The unfortunate victim Gary Wells was visibly shaken when he had this to say;

"One minute I was parked up at the petrol Station the next I had a knife to my throat. He just kept saying, give me your job bloody now, over & over again. I tried to explain it was minimum wage but he was undeterred."


A BNP spkesperson said "You see, we told you they'd do this."

Police have managed to identify the suspect captured by CCTV as; Bfduygn C Erjhcb7e. Mr Erjhcb7e is believed to come from a place that is not Britain.

The recent spate of job thefts has spiked paranoia among the employed. Many have admitted to lying about their employment status to avoid being robbed

Ministers are worried it will damage the economy & have afforded police their full support in catching the job-robber.

Let's hope another victim won't have to suffer Gary's fate



The above story is entirely fictitious, do not sue me.

The Interview: Peter J Piercy-TRANS*GENDERQUEER LONDON

Peter J Piercy is co-founder of  http://transgenderqueerlondon.tumblr.com/post/17152502803/welcome-to-trans-genderqueer-london I first met Peter at the Fringe Film Fest where he was co-presenting a trans workshop. The purpose of the workshop was to highlight issues of the trans community and open up a dialouge with the intention to create a comfortable atmosphere in which to discuss issues freely and hopefully learn something. There, I was introduced to many both appropriate and offensive terms for the transgendered and it opened my eyes to the many different trans identities out there, no-one was scared to ask questions and many found it extremely informative. I found the workshop to be so worthwhile! I learned so much that I wanted to thank Peter at the time but he was overwhelmed with appreciative praise for the session! I really wanted to interview him as I think we need to learn as much about the other letters  in the "LGBT" acronym in order to promote unity and understanding. Thankfully he added me on facebook and I didn't hesitate to ask for this interview. To my delight he said yes!

Me and Peter met in the vibrant and diverse area of Brixton all smiles! Then had to work out where to go. I feel like I should have researched that beforehand but luckily Peter knew the area alot better than me. We sat outside this eaterie place and indulged in a little conversation about the little intricate differences on London accents "There are so many London accents but when you think of London you think of the old skool cocney accents-which you hardly ever hear at all." 

Me: Some parts of London people can sound Jamaican...


"Yeah, some people are like, why do these white kids talk Jamaican and all that stupid stuff but I think that's part of their culture aswell, it's how their friends speak. We pick things up from each other, you're not exactly born with an accent. No-one says a surrey school girl of asian descent should be speaking with Indian accent!"

Me: That's a really good point!

"Yeah Campbell Ex was saying when she showed the film Stud Life to an American audience they didn't understand how the white and black characters spoke simarlarly. But I think in London there's more of a homogenisation of culture whereas, I think in the states it's a little more seperate."

We then spoke about his move to london after he finished studying at university.

Me: What did you study?


"I did modern history from about medieval times, everything apart from the ancient civilisations. Where I could I specialised... Mostly 19th century. I prefer the modern stuff just because of the nature of it. The sources tend to be more reliable, plus most of the earlier stuff centres around Kings, Queens and battles which I find kinda boring.  I preferred to specialise in social history. I do think it's important to know about the structure and governments but I enjoyed learning more about people and attitudes in society. Although Oxford is a very good uni, it's also very traditional, anglocentric, eurocentric there was a top down approach to what they taught."

Me and peter then had a conversation about education in general and how you're better equipped at studying when you've had a period of informal learning and life experience. I then asked Peter how he knew he was trans...

"It wasn't like a lineal realisation  it was more like pieces of a jigsaw coming together. It was a long proces but it's only recently that it began to make sense. I think it's because ( as I was saying in the presentation) I'm not incredibly butch which is what I thought I had to be like. So I tried various different identities but I never felt comfortable. It helped a little when I came out as a lesbian, I felt there was more freedom to present in a more boyish way. But still that wasn't quite right. I was trying to be too conventionally masculine identifying as female. It took a while to realise that it was the other way round I was more of an effeminate man than a masculine women. That made it harder to work out because you hear the conventional narrative of "oh I always knew and used to play with the boys and wouldn't wear a dress" that kinda thing. Whereas I had tomboyish traits but could also be quite feminine, I didn't have that clear distinction. The prevalence of those stories neglects the fact we can all be different things. A cis gendered guy could be an arty, emo, sensitive type of guy. I think if there's more variety of stories out there there'd be less pressure to conform.

Me and Peter get into a conversation about the pressures of coming out and I confessed that I threw myself into a lesbian identity before I was sure...

"I think you just get a sense, don't you? I think I did it the more wimpy way (laughs) I mean I went to places identifying as gay and stuff but I was at uni and we all knew each other so I'd just go to London (laughs) to gay places and it's only when I got my first girlfriend I came out to my family. But coming out as trans, I did something similar to you coz I think how can you ever be 100% sure? I originally thought I would just start out by getting people to call me by a male name-just friends and the queer community but I didn't much change the way I presented and because I didn't change alot at first-the way people thought of me didn't either. Then I changed my name legally, at work and with my family. To me this represented taking on a full term male identity."

Me: Was that really liberating?

"Yeah! When I did it I was 90% sure I wanted to do it. I don't think you can know a 100% you've just got to trust that it'll be right-and I knew staright away it was right. You'd think changing your name after having one for years and years that it'd feel weird but because I already felt attached to my male name in my head it was fairly instant and pretty much straight away I felt bonded to my true identity."

Me: When you came out as trans did you encounter any difficulties?

"My friends were really great about it, but I think it will take my mother a while longer to get her head around it all, it's a hard thing for her to understand that's it's a permanant identity rather than something you can switch off in certain circumstances."

After a little chat about family and how our respective families responded to our identities I told Peter how much I enjoyed the trans workshop because of how informative it was and asked what inspired him to set up Trans*genderqueerlondon.

"I think people often think it's rather presumptous to set up your own project but I started it up because it was the group I wish existed. There are some groups like FTM London which I think are good for some people but I felt they directed more of their focus on the physical transition-which I think is important, to let people know about hormones etc. but I wanted to see an organisation for all kinds of trans people, feminine guys, transwomen, genderqueer. I wanted a space to talk about just living really whether you're pre-transition or post-transition and all the issues you might encounter. Most articles soley focus on transitioning but what about the rest of your life? So I started it up with a couple of friends and immediately there seemed to be a demand for it so we decided to set up a webspace. Because we're not such a formal organisation we can be creative with it which makes it so interesting to do. I didn't want the workshops to be like "trans 101" because it'd be in danger of either being too simplistic or misleading. For example, where you only hear these stories that are cliche like being born in the wrong body when that's not how everyone feels. Doing a basic introduction may leave people feeling more confused, I think it's much better to open a dialouge to help give a sense of the diversity rather than try and make these big statements..."

Me: What did you think about the trans season on channel 4?

"I think alot of people thought it was better than some of that other one's but still not wholly representative. They'd let them express their characters a little then it'd cut back to the genital surgery. It seemed to just feed in to the preconceptions people have about the trans community. It's focusing on the idea that it's only when you get that sex change that you're considered to be a man or a woman and "sex change surgery" in itself is a very broad term. There are many different surgeries people can have and some don't want any surgery at all-or can't have it for financial or medical reasons..."

Me: What else does the organisation do?

"Well at first it started out as informal meetings then we did the workshop at Fringe Fest which went so well we're looking to take take workshop to universities targeting the LGBT groups."

Me: That's a really good idea!

"I've found that many don't have a trans rep-although there's not that many trans people generally."

Me: How often/where do you meet?

"It's the first Sunday of the month at retro bar though we're trying to organise a new venue."

Me: Who can come to the group?

"It's for anyone interested in talking about their gender identity and even those who don't identify as trans but wanna talk about it; allies, partners, friends. There's alot of cis gendered people who are really knowledgable about these issues and contribute well to the discussion. There are such a variety of views and experiences regarding trans life. Some trans people see themselves as straight and seek hetrosexual relations whereas many are alot more queer than that. I personally wouldn't see myself dating a straight hetrosexual woman who'd never been with a woman before. Though, I would need to be with someone who appreciates the man I am."

Me and Peter  continued onto a discussion about how language can be a barrier when it comes to discussions. Some, through fear of being offensive won't say anything at all., the more accessible the discussions the more understanding achieved. We also discussed the politics of "passing"  (people not being able to tell you've changed gender) and how transwomen are often more vulnerable to abuse than transmen...

"I think it's more accepted by society for a woman to dress like a man than a man to dress like a woman. They're alot more visible. Some people just hate anything that challenges what they believe about gender. They'd rather people just stayed in their boxes"

Me: How long has the organisation Trans*genderqueerlondon been going for?

"Well it was quite informal at first but became more of an organisation. We started in November last year."

Me: (with no shame) Wooooow

"Then it sort of  just went on from there (smiles)"

There you have it people the amazingly articulate and personable Peter. I think what he does with his organisation is great like Frosties and amazing members of the community like Peter need to be celebrated for the positive things they do! I really, really urge you to go along to one of their meetings. I'm certain you'll learn so much more about transpeople through that medium rather than a sensationalist shock doc that will-in all likelyhood, misinform. Thank you so much Peter for a great chat and helping me spread the word about your wonderful organisation. For information about the meetings and interesting blogs about trans life in general click the link below. Thank you for reading.

http://transgenderqueerlondon.tumblr.com/post/17152502803/welcome-to-trans-genderqueer-london 

And do thatke a look at Peters personal blog-it's interesting stuff (:

http://petersparlour.tumblr.com/

Bizarre Marketing trends

"When I eat salad my life is hilarious!"

Women Laughing On Their Own With Salad

Looking to put a smile on the face of that special lady? Don't waste all your witty one liners, instead just make her a salad, leave her alone and wait for nature to take its course. This is what the marketeers would have us believe. I love this portrayl of women with salad. Ad men really think if we don't see a women laughing whilst eating her greens simultaneously we won't believe it is healthy. Check any womens magazine. If there is a healthy eating feature it's likely to be accompanied by photograph of a lady lol'ing with a bowl of  Meditarranean type salad. Still, we don't know what tricks the salad is playing when it gets these women alone. Maybe I could learn a thing or two from baby plum tomatoes. For more pictures of women laughing alone with salad check the link below. Ahhh, the joy of salad.

http://thehairpin.com/2011/01/women-laughing-alone-with-salad

"Shopping whilst being black and female makes me so happy"

 Very Happy Black Women Shopping

Title says it all really. The marketing people feel that women love shopping but black women even more so. We jump in the air, squeal with excitement and pose for pictures. We do weights with our shopping bags, practise the high jump with our shopping bags-and of course all of this implies that when we get home we make love to our shopping. It's sex and Westfield Shopping City all the way!

 "I've just turned on my hard drive"

Happy Women With Laptops

This is nearly as bizarre as women laughing on their own with salad. Look how this lady is gently caressing the keys with her hand palm whilst smiling at us seductively. In alot of these type of pictures the women aren't even looking at the device. They are not using them, they just want to be seen with them. As a women I have a whole photo album with just me and my latop. "All I need in this life of sin...."

Other funny marketing trends:

Orgasmic women washing their hair

Men laughing alone with fruit salad

Couples piggybacking to demonstrate a happy relationship

Business women in adverts for thrush medication

Sapphic Seduction

Staceyann Chin:Honest or Deluded?

 Staceyann Chin

I can be as biased as anyone. That's why when I read the Staceyann Chin article about her pursuit of straight women-I wanted to cheer her on with Spice Girlesque chants of girl power! I wanted to champion the fact that she came out and admitted to doing what men do so often, it doesn't even raise an eyebrow. I wanted to feel lesbian pride in the fact that she came out and didn't present the "we're so opressed" type of newstory, that she was in control of her destiny and if she wanted straight women -she would get them. Damn it, she even had instructions! That's how seductive she is. I wanted to feel like Staceyann is strong, sexy, powerful. If I thought that, there could be one more lesbian to add to the list of those I admire. I would support you Staceyann. I wanted to. But, your article wasn't honest. Instead of highlighting the measures gay women will resort to in an enviroment where the space to express your sexuality is limited-you chose to glamourise your desperation.

Maybe my opposition to Staceyann's article is the fact I don't personally find straight women attractive. It's a race without a finish line and equivocal to climbing a mountain without summit. A waste of energy doesn't even cover it. Many of us get into relationships that-in the end-have little substance. But, if many of us knew this from the outset how many of us would just jump in risking our emotional stability in the process? Fortunately Staceyann gave a little background as to why she got on this merry go round. Residing in Jamaica as a gay woman must be extremely difficult. There, homophobia is almost part of the culture, the line you don't cross, the phenomena you refuse to understand. The fact she annunciated that she was a lesbian in public must have taken some balls and for that, I have nothing but respect for her. Furthermore, as a result of this announcement gay women wouldn't go near her for fear of automatically outing themselves in the process. A very difficult predicament. As a result, she started to notice the behaviour of (supposedly) straight women in her presence and decided to express her sexuality the only way she could. If Stacey had stumbled upon a society of gay women to hang with I doubt she would have found straight women the fulfilling conquest her article suggests. Indeed she states that her conquest of straight women is nowt to do with having no choice, that it was her free will. Stacey may not realise that we only have as much free will as our previous experiences and the things we experience vicariously through others dictate. The meer fact she noticed gay women wouldn't go near her would suggest she looked at them first. Though, instead of placing emphasis on her lack of choice she chooses instead to focus on the thrill of the chase. She mentions feeling like the messiah-the chosen one which must be a great feeling. Though I dont understand how being "the first" matters if you truly care about someone. It just seems like a desperate need to bolster one's self esteem and there are times we all need a boost. But, the "How To" manual (in the article Staceyann presents a how to guide for stealing a straight woman from her boyfriend)? It seems exploitative and manipulative and though many (if not all) of us can be that way it's hardly aspirational. Her comment, that it may teach you something about loss is plain ridiculous. You wouldn't smash your head into a brick wall to teach yourself something about pain so why would you put so much effort, time and feeling into something you are sure to lose? Any woman looking to experience loss doesn't need straight women-she needs a psychaitrist. Trivialising the pusuit of dead end relationships is a symptom of a much broader and deeply ingrained personal issue and shouldn't be trivialised or glamourised. Her observation that most of us "dykes" enjoy straight womens limited attention spans is contradictory to what I hear on an almost daily basis from gay women in general.

I do however believe her article is important and has provided a platform for very interesting debate within the LGBT community. We cannot be seen to only like/want to see articles that further the LGBT agenda. There are negatives in our society that I'm sure you're all to aware of. Besides, this gay obsession with straight people is nothing new. A few years ago when Boy George had trouble with the law he was quoted as saying that he almost exclusively finds straight men attractive. As much as I disagree with her presentation I still think it worthwhile enough to be presented. I learned a little about the lengths women will go to in a homophobic climate to feel a sense of closeness and her public self-outing is strength of will that can be admired. Maybe it's her strong sense of identity that enables her to be completely honest about her feelings and subsequently not give a toss about what any of us think! Some may claim that she's encouraging biphobia or fuelling the homophobes who think our only goal as gay people is conversion. I really don't believe that was her intention.  She's just a lesbian sharing her personal experience.We can take from that what we will.

Sirena Reynolds

The Trouble With Women: Poem

They come, they go
weaving in and out my life
anger, tears
trouble & strife
being in love with love
and angered by my ways
because i won't
fall in love in a day
their self worth
somehow my responsibility
and because of my mask
they fail to see my fragility

then they wonder
why i let things die
it's coz when i was laughing
they couldn't hear me cry...

The Interview: Ronke Osinowo

I first met Ronke Osinowo after going to see Young Soul Rebels as part of the Film Fringe Fest. She (along with Dean Atta) introduced the movie. I really enjoyed the film except the ending where following a traumatic event it cuts to the next scene where the cast are dancing. I'm not a fan of this portrayl of black people in cinema at all. Moving on. After the film I spoke to Ronke and was immediately impressed by her warm and friendly manner. To my delight I found out she was a poet, though Ronke doesn't like to call herself a poet, she see's herself as an observer. We had an intense discussion about the fate of most people who leave the care system. I knew then I had to interview her. I asked very nicely and thankfully she agreed! I couldn't have got a better first interview. Read on, I'm sure you will all think she's as fantastic as I do.

There I was in the rain huddled under an awning of a newsagents in Old Street where I spotted Ronke, when she saw me a huge smile and warm greeting followed. I offered her an M&M-she has a nut allergy.  "I love nuts but at the age of 24 I developed anyphalactic shock after eating a carot cake". I chose a lovely setting to have our interview. It was closed for refurbishments. Luckily Ronke knew of a lovely place less then1 minute away. When we got there I thought the least I can do after dragging this women out in the pouring rain is buy her a drink. She refused and bought ME a drink instead. After we settled into our very plush surroundings we had a very interesting chat and this is what she had to say:

 "The concept of my book came about because my mum-my foster mum was always chronically ill, since I was little. She was overweight, needed a walking stick and sometimes a wheelchair. She also suffered heart attacks. She had one when I was 6, one when I was 15. When I was 30 her heart didn't work on it's own anymore. In January 2006 my dad started getting thinner. He was a strong gypsy man-he'd never been to a doctors in his life! We were like-you're not eating-you need to see a doctor. So he did. That's when we found out he had cancer. It was terminal. As a result everyone got stronger, my mother got more mobile looking after him making sure he was taken care of-it was amazing! Then he had to go into hospital. 5 months later on her way to visit him she had a heart attack and died. She actually died before him.
9 days later we buried her. 2 days later my dad died. I really believe he was holding on for her. After that I was in a pretty bad way. I thought the only way I could deal with this was to start writing. I'd written a whole load of stuff probably about 10 years before they died so I decided to revisit that. I had to document that time, how I experienced it. I'd kept some of my notebooks and started writing new stuff. Then I contacted my brother-who's dislexic but great with visuals. I spoke to him about the fact that no-one really reads poetry, but these are my thoughts. I started off by giving him a couple of lines and he would create an image based on the words I'd given him."

Me: That's really surprising considering how well the imagery compliments each piece. I thought someone would need the whole poem to create something so fitting.

"Well he's the only one who could've done it. No-one else would understand. We were the only black kids in that town. Our bond is so strong I knew that whatever he'd come back with would be his interpretation of our shared experience and that it would compliment the work. I also really like his illustrations I think they are really good. That part of it was so easy with him. Basically, I couldn't have done it without him. He's very focused where as I'm very all over the place (laughs) which actually worked out really well.

At first we just made these little postcard things just to get the word out there but my brother kept on at me, he was like "Ronke, you gotta do something with this book."  So I sent it off to a few publishers-no response! Or they'd ask me questions like "who's your market?" I don't know. These are just my words. I started to get sick of it so I looked into self publishing. Eventually I found this place in Indiana in the states because they were the cheapest. The process took 18 months.The hardest part was when they said they couldn't do images, only print. I thought-you could have told me that before! I would self publish again but at least now i'm more aware of the process. I had to edit it myself and I'm no editor. Eventually they said they could do the images in a smaller format but I had to pay even more money.When the book was finalised I invited some friends to come down and support it. Everyone wanted me to sign it. This was a new experience for me and it made me go inside myself a little."

Me: Why? You were getting the praise you deserved, after all that hard work!

"I know, I guess i'm just in introvert where my personal work is concerened. I just couldn't articulate what it was all about because it was so deep. Also I don't think you can function on that level, what I mean is you can't spend every moment completely aware of your darkest thoughts and feelings."

Me: Has anyone ever reacted negatively to that darkness?

"Well when people started to see it at first they were like "ooh, thats quite errm dark, why don't you write about the good things that have happened to you?" Or "I don't wanna get depressed" so I'd say I'm not writing it to depress anyone, it's the reality of the situation. Another reason I wrote the book was because me and my brother we're the type of people who I wouldn't call smart-but we were smart enough not to get into fights! Art was our way through and I wanted to show people that just because you come from dark circumstances-you're not fucked! (Laugh's.) You can still come out the other side and create something beautiful. That's my survival mechanism, i'm not gonna drown in it, i'm gonna throw it back in a nicer form.
I was fostered for over 18 years with 20 + kids..."

Me (interrupting) Did this give you a more rounded view of people in general?

Yeah, if you survive it. Out of 20 kids, for 15 it was just too much, understandably. It's alot to take. 5 of us refuse to be victims. We had to look around and decided very early on which way we're gonna go. I didn't want a negative life for myself. One of my first perceptions in life was hatred. When I was 3 a policeman spat on me. It happened quite alot, it was the 70's. I used to like hanging around with the adults and annoy the other kids! I learned early on that if you behave in a certain way in life you will get more of what you want. I hated fighting, I can't stand pain. Plus I was very small for my age so anyone would be able to beat me up. I just dealt with it by isolating myself, reding books, writing and thinking about how I'm gonna get through the next day because I knew there would be trouble.

I had a pretty bad relationship with my (biological) mum growing up, it's alot better now she's older. I had massive abandonment issues. I was the first born and a girl and in Nigerian culture that's not desirable and my dad left so she felt unable to cope. She would visit me every to weeks and I had to deal with her constant criticism because I was introverted and would have preferred me to be more confident, forthcoming. We are complete opposites. I didn't feel loved by her. With me and my foster mum it was different. We got on well because we had an understanding. My mum was a survivor. Bearing in mind it was the 70's-eveyone hated gypsies and then she had all these black kids running around so it felt like we got double the hate. But she was always like "fuck them, everyone's gonna give it to you-give it back" she was quite strong and clever even though she was illiterate. Because of her illness she couldn't have kids and children are a big part of the culture, that's why she fostered. I got on really well with my dad too, I remember having quite adult conversations with him. He was a long distance lorry driver and often went to working mens clubs. When people saw us it was like a head fuck! It would puzzle everyone what we were doing together?! I had a good relationship with them, they were very warm and very loving. They really wanted us. In this day and age they wouldn't be allowed to foster because of the way they behaved sometimes but they were really good parents and very moral people. They gave all of us good and valuable advice for dealing with life in general. At their funeral all the the kids they fostered who could be there were. The ages ranged from 17 to 43 which I think is a testament to them."

Me and Ronke then have a little talk about her school life-she went to a convent school and explained she never misbehaved in the traditional sense but often challenged the rules she had to obey and the world view she was being fed. I asked her if as a black women she found she attracted the agressive label.

"That's all it attracts. There have been times I've been in a job and taken things to the point I couldn't take it anymore and when I'd challenge this I'm immediately labelled as a trouble maker. It's just racist. plain and simple.

I've worked so many jobs, I've never been out of employment from age 16 till 38. I realised I can only help myself besides I can't be signing on. I can't deal with the people who work there! At the end of the day I don't want to be controlled by people who have no respect for my circumstances."

Me and Ronke then went on to have a chat about how repressing certain things lead to some serious health problems and how that made her desire to write even stronger.

"I wouldn't describe myself as an intellectual writer, or a funny writer. My writing comes from a deep place and if someone can identify with it, I'm happy. Actually when I published the book I thought it could be used by social services for other children who've been fostered." If I could've seen something like that out there when I was 14 it would've meant everything to me. I read alot. The Telegraph, The Guardian, The Mirror, The Sun, reviews, articles and it all seems to come from a position of priviledge. Like I went to see the Oswald Boateng documentary and when I read a review in The Guardian the reviewer dismissed his pride as bragging about getting a shop on Saville Row with no understanding of how hard it is for anyone to get a shop on Saville Row much less where he's come from.

I then turned the talk to gay rights and the stonewall workshop I did at as part of Fringe Fest. I found it pointless and boring (not the trans workshop though, the trans workshop was great) and nothing more than advertising for the marrige campaign. A call to arms dressed up in "what's good about social media and what's bad about it" clothes. I expressed this to Ronke.

"I feel I've only just come to terms with being gay. Not in the sense of that I hated who I am but the fact I don't like alot of the stuff the gay media and charities put out there. Like whether you're born gay or not. I don't think that matters. This marrige campaign seems again to come from a patriarchal middle class place. I feel like they should focus their energies on places where people are getting killed everyday like Brazil or Nigeria. I think there are more pressing issues in the gay community then changing the word Civil Partnership to the word Marrige. Historically, marrige was a way for men to own women and children like property. Why would we want to be a part of that?" I don't want to seem anti I just don't relate to alot of things going on. There is still so much inequality in gay society campaigning for marrige seems indulgent."

Ronke also described the labelling of gay cure therapy as "voodoo cure therapy" as "propagating negativity."

"At the end of the day Voodoo is just a traditional religion Africans took with them to the Carribean and other places. It's no different to the ritual and ceremony of most major religions. At the end of the day I just think there needs to be a more diverse range of views out there. The opinions we are being presented with are very narrow. Worst still, they are sold as facts. Every opinion out there is relevant and we need more views to counteract what we're being fed on a daily basis."

Me: You're very interesting!

"No, I'm really boring actually."

If you read this interview to the end I know, like me-you don't believe that she's boring at all. I thouroughly enjoyed her company, and her book-which i urge you to buy. It's very different to alot of poetry that's being published and her unique world view can only serve to colour yours in the most wonderful way. Check the bottom of this article for links. Thank you for reading and thank you Ronke for a wonderful interview.

Sirena Reynolds.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/I-Bring-You-Tilbury-Town/dp/1425953700

http://www.waterstones.com/waterstonesweb/products/ronke2c+osinowo/i+bring+you+tilbury+town/5599655/

http://www.whsmith.co.uk/CatalogAndSearch/ProductDetails.aspx?productId=9781425953706&utm_source=Google%2BProduct%2BSearch&utm_medium=Feed&utm_campaign=Product%2BLink