BATTLESHIP: The Review

 This photoshoot probably took more of her time than this movie

Battleship is an apocalyptic blockbuster movie starring Liam Neeson,  Alexander Skarsgard (True Blood) Brooklyn Decker with a little bit of Rihanna thrown in for good measure. From the outset it was clear this movie lacked identity. The opening scene began like a Cohen Brothers movie and was actually quite funny. I even remarked to my partner in crime what a good advert it was-only it wasn't an advert-it was the beginning of the movie! I found myself thinking, how is stealing a chicken burrito for some chick on your birthday then getting tazered and arrested going to lead to some kick ass nautical action? The answer? The next morning his brother says words to the effect of-"you need to grow up dude, you're joining the navy" and because people in films have no choice, he does.

Cut to the next scene where we see a little bit of Rihanna and it's clear she's a tomboy navy chick. What is also clear is that she's not in this movie and if you are going to see this with the hopes of seeing Rihanna up close and personal you will be very disappointed. Though her dialogue is limited one thing is clear-she cannot act. Moving on. The guy who's in the navy coz his bro told him to  is now clean shaven and focused. There is alot of dramatism leading to his scoring a goal, I have the feeling this goal is meant to show us-the audience how much he's grown as a person in the last 3 minutes. Cue dramatic music and a leg swing in slow mo coupled with a dramatic SMACK noise as his foot makes contact with the stationary ball. He misses. I then realise It was meant to be funny. It wasn't. People in the audience laughed and I scowled at them for they are the reason Hollywood keep getting away with making such rubbish movies.

After the footballing incident it cuts to him and burrito girl-who are now in love. A tender intimate moment between them is ruined by a gratuitous shot of her batty-the girl is also the daughter of the commander whom he must ask permission for her hand in marriage.  After a bathroom mishap, burrito boy is brought before the commander and reprimanded. The commander-Liam Neeson states "you're intelligent but you have weak leadership characteristics, is there anything you'd like to say to me boy?" Burrito boy says nothing. This was the moment I knew everything that would happen in this movie which made the next 90 minutes excruciating. Rather than this movie being a genuine comedic drama it flits between being a drama and comedy. The 2 genre's are not blended with the expertise you would expect of a movie with this budget.

Burrito boy would obviously prove himself in a crisis (with a few staple mishaps) and be considered by the commander worthy of his little girl. When disaster does strike it's this terminator thing that comes out of the water. It strikes one of the ships and burrito boys brother dies. This doesn't have any emotional gravitas whatsoever-even burrito boy isn't suitably distressed by the incident. Then, 20 minutes of pow pow, then pow pow then pow pow then pow pow-slight pause-pow pow and pow pow again. There is so much bad science in this movie that is meant to explain the sudden alien invasion but I won't get into that. In a completely pointless side plot burrito girl-who happens to be a physical therapist, takes a navy man who's lost his legs up a mountain to show him his self worth.  Moving on. With all the pow powing the original ship is destroyed. They decide their only choice is to use this ancient ship THE MISSOURI no-one knows how to commandeer. Then who saves the day? OAP's. Yes your eyes do not decieve you. OAP's.  An old ship needs old men. The old men help The Navy save the day after another bout of pow pow, pow pow, pow pow, pow pow. If you're wondering why I've failed to name one of the characters it's because the rare occasion a characters name is mentioned it's barked so it's inaudible. They bark at each other like dogs. They defeat the bad guys, get medals and he gets the girl blah blah.

What was Liam Neeson thinking when he signed up for this movie? From Schindlers List-to this! Though, it wasn't all bad.  The visual effects are stunning and bar the batty shot incident the camera work is first class. The writers deserve to be mashed up by the very aliens they created for producing this rubbish and if it wasn't for Orange Wednesdays I would be vexed at having to pay the extortionate ticket price for this waste of 2 hours of my life. I also have no idea why Rihanna ran around town promoting this movie, she has maybe 10 minutes of total screen time at the most. Terrible movie. 1 star.