Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Star Signs by the Miscellaneous Mystic

I am the one who knows your future. Give me lots of money (premium rate phone line coming soon!) and I will reveal to you, your DESTINY! I am... Miscellaneous Mystic.


Your goat spirit is waning. You no longer headbutt things without warning. This is troubling, for you should feel free to roam the grasslands charging all that takes your fancy. This week you will get a phonecall. It will tell you something.


You had a blackberry-now you don't. You're wondering how you will live without BBM. I have something to tell you taurus. You can live life without BBM for it doesn't affect your ability to breathe. This week you will hear a knock at the door. No-one will be there but a message awaits you...

You have a twin inside you. You are not victim of an immaculate conception. It is your spirit, your fam. It is also parasitic. Seek medical attention immediately!


You do not have crabs you'd be delighted to hear and furthermore you never have. You have cause to spend money this week which could possibly mean you will end up with less money than before you spent money. You have shoes in your house. Take care of them.

Leo is not your name. You are likely to have a womens name. You glance out your window and observe things that make you neither happy nor sad. The hair on your head is there but you have none on the soles of your feet. Ring my star line to find out why.

Why were you running down the street and barking like a dog dear virgo? You are not a dog because dogs cannot read. I had a vision of you crying because you couldn't open a can of baked beans. I have something to tell you. You need a can opener.

You think everyone deserves a balloon and should provided with one on demand paid for by the taxpayer. You don't understand why they haven't passed the law and it's eating you up inside. Relax dear libra. One day...

You sting like a bee, float like a butterfly and you stick forks into a fish's eye. You will wear trainers this week, I know exactly how important this is for you. Good luck!


Sagittarius your so nefarious you dont carius about malaria. Mosquitoes are the most dangerous animal in the world. The sooner you realise this the more you can access the sagit within.

Capri blue is your favorite colour. It is the colour of your soul. You have always secretly believed you could fly. Ever since you watched an episode of heroes a few years ago. You cannot fly.


You're a barbie girl in a barbie world but others don't inhabit or see the world as you do. That's why you keep getting sectioned all the time. You will be sectioned again if you don't drop this barbie thing... It's in the stars...


Neptune is retrograde and Mars shares an eclipse with Pluto which only happens once evey 799 years. The moon of Pluto is facing your sign and Mecury is in balance. Wondering what this all means? Nothing.

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